The Great Meow In
by The Black Doll
Summary: In the land of Nod live four friends: Willy the Mouse, Rover the Dog and Pussy and Ermyntrude the Cats. Oh yes, and their psychoanalyst. Willy is worried because the cats haven't been chasing him recently, and he fears they're up to something.


Once upon a time, there were four friends who lived in the city of Nod. They were Willy the mouse, Rover the dog, and Pussy and Ermyntrude, who were cats. They all had serious psychological problems. Willy suffered terribly from a paranoid delusion that everybody was out to get him, mostly because whenever he saw either Pussy or Ermyntrude they dropped whatever they were doing and started chasing him. His analyst had assured him that this was perfectly normal behaviour for cats, but he was not convinced, and preferred to see it as only the tip of an iceberg, having evolved a theory that explained it not in terms of perfectly normally behaviour for cats, but rather as evidence of a dark conspiracy between the oil companies, the automobile companies, the pharmaceutical companies and the retailers of Chinese food. Rover was convinced that he was a closet psychopath, because whenever he saw either Pussy or Ermyntrude he dropped whatever he was doing and started chasing them. His analyst had assured him that this was perfectly normal behaviour for dogs, but he preferred Willy's version, which explained it not in terms of perfectly normal behaviour for dogs, but rather as further evidence for the great conspiracy, as part of which the pharmaceutical companies were carrying out illegal tests on Rover to determine the side-effects, if any, of their new strain of genetically modified psychotropic monosodium glutamate, prior to using it to enslave the entire population of Nod by adding it to their Chinese take-away meals. Pussy and Ermyntrude no doubt had complexes of some kind of other too, but, after all, they were cats, so it was only to be expected that their behaviour would be a little unusual. Even Willy was prepared to accept that.

One day, Rover met Willy in the park. "Hello Willy," he said, "how are you today?" Willy looked around suspiciously at the neighbouring shrubbery and said "I'm fine. Have you seen Pussy and Ermyntrude anywhere?". "No", said Rover, "why do you ask?" Checking out the bushes once again, as he suspected some of them of being unduly interested in what he had to say, Willy said, "I was following up a new lead about the monosodium glutamate this morning, but then I got worried because I haven't seen either of them all morning. Normally they would have chased me by now. It means I'm in danger." Rover was puzzled; he would he thought that being chased by the cats would be more dangerous for Willy than not being chased, so he asked for an explanation. Willy obliged. "They must realise I'm close to unearthing the connection between the refusal of the automobile industry to use hydrogen fuel instead of gasoline and the funny taste in the tap water these last few days. If they're not chasing me, they must be planning something really bad. Perhaps they've bought a gun." Now Rover understood. In fact, he now realised that he himself had further evidence relating to this new threat to the liberty of the people of Nod. He said, "Actually, you must be right, because now I realise that I haven't seen them all morning either. I was about to go and see my analyst to ask if perhaps I'd entered a new delusional stage and was imagining that they weren't there, but I think your version makes much more sense than anything he might say. Should we go and buy a gun of our own?"

Willy naturally agreed that his theories were more plausible than anything their analyst might say, but he thought that it might be worth visiting him after all. Even though he was, according to Willy, a tool of the conspiracy, intended to distract Willy from discovering the truth by convincing him that it really was quite conventional, in fact natural, for cats to chase mice and dogs to chase cats, he felt it might be useful to see what cover-story the conspiracy had chosen to explain this latest move. He felt that beneath the lies would be some tiny nugget of truth than might give him the lead he needed to finally blow the whole thing wide open. Therefore, Willy and Rover together went to see their analyst. "Good morning, Willy and Rover; how are your neuroses today?" he said, as they entered his office. "I'm afraid I'm a little busy right now, but if you'll just take these dangerous experimental drugs seven times a day with a little monosodium glutamate, they should suppress the most noticeable symptoms until our next appointment." Rover brushed aside the proffered tablets and asked him, "Have you seen Pussy or Ermyntrude recently? They haven't been chasing Willy, and that's making him feel worried, and I haven't been chasing them, and that makes me feel worried." The analyst was intrigued and, despite the rival attractions of the naked blonde lying on the couch, he said, "Your delusions become more interesting each time I see you. Usually you're worried when you are chasing or being chased by the cats, but now you're worried when you aren't. This is fascinating. You have entered into the final stages of neurotic breakdown, and are on the verge of total polymorphic perversion. I might be able to get an article in the Journal of Morbid Psychology out of this. Tell me all about your latest delusions." Willy explained that they didn't want to discuss their latest delusions; they just wanted to know if he had seen Pussy or Ermyntrude recently. He explained that he hadn't, observing regretfully that they had broken off their therapy at a crucial stage, just as he was on the verge of succeeding in getting them in touch with their inner rodent. Then he said "But enough of them; how is your superego today?" Willy and Rover excused themselves, saying they'd rather not talk about their superegos in mixed company, and left. As they left, he climbed onto the couch with the blonde, saying, in a commanding tone, "And now, Miss Sheldon, for the prophylactic!"

Willy and Rover walked away from the analyst's office together, discussing what they should do. Rover was all for going to see the Mayor of Nod and explaining the whole story to him, confident that he would help them get to the bottom of the cats' mysterious disappearance. Willy disagreed, pointing out that the Mayor was on record as having eaten Chinese food at the recent new-year celebrations, and so was now a slave of the conspiracy, and could not be trusted. His favoured approach was to stock up and make for the hills, living off the soil in a remote cabin, far away from motor cars and Chinese restaurants. He had just persuaded Rover of the merit of this scheme, and was enumerating the wide range of weapons they would need, just in case anybody tried to deliver a portion of Peking duck, when Rover stopped dead, and pointed to a sign on the other side of the road. It bore the legend 'Meow-in', with below it an arrow pointing down a narrow alleyway. After some debate, they decided to follow it and see what they found. At the end of the alleyway was a door, with next to it another sign, also saying 'Meow-in'. Full of trepidation, the dauntless pair stepped through the door, in the full knowledge that they were about to learn the full fell truth, and that they would soon either be enslaved zombies, or be fleeing for their lives from the combined might of the catering-industrial complex. Inside they found a room, in the centre of which sat Pussy and Ermyntrude. They were sitting with their tails entwined, staring lovingly into one another's eyes. "Meow", they said, "Meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow".

Willy and Rover looked at the cats, looked at one another, and then looked at the cats again. Then they quietly left, and made their way back to the analyst's office, where they had a nice long conversation about their superegos.


End file.
